I came across this at another site but it was to funny to pass up!
Posted by Uncle_Phaester on Sep. 16 2005,12:54 am
For those of who may wish to recap, or are coming to this anew, seven pages worth of last night’s chat got deleted (by mistake, I shall charitably assume) so here’s a summary of what arose from last night’s debates. And I’ve taken a copy so I can post it as often as I like so nerrrrr.....
So, hang on – it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
It seems quite clear to me that JKR has salted her first 6 books with subtle clues to the identity of at least one of the horcruxes (or horcruces for the pernickety among us).
These clues have led me to conclude that Mrs Weasley has a dark secret – that she has a wooden left leg.
Now, I know that the first question that will spring to your minds upon hearing this theory is: why should it be her left leg? why not her right leg?
To answer this, we must go back to Chamber of Secrets and the massive crush which witches seem to have on Lockhart. We can clearly tell that Mrs Weasley would give her right arm for the chance of cuddling up to old Gilderoy.
Now, Mrs Weasley is not stupid. If her right leg was missing, she would hardly give up her right arm as that would make her overbalance. However, if it were her left leg that was missing, she could give up her right arm and still balance perfectly well.
We know that Vol...Volde...You Know Who used Slytherin’s ring as one of his horcruxes/horcruces. We have reason to suspect that he might try to use Ravenclaw’s Cup and Hufflepuff’s Thingummy (I still can’t remember) too. However, he can’t use Griffindor’s relic because we know that Griffindor’s sword is safely locked away in Dumbledore’s office.
So, if Vol...Volde...You Know Who can’t use one of Griffindor’s arms (weapons) as a horcrux, then the next best thing would be to use one of Griffindor’s legs. And we know that Mrs Weasley was in Griffindor House.
We, therefore know that Vol...Volde...You Know Who has stolen the leg of a Griffindor and that that Griffindor must have an artificial leg to replace it. How do we know for certain that it’s Mrs Weasley who has the artificial leg? Well, why else would Mr Weasley call her Mollywobbles? Seems pretty conclusive to me.
The next question is where has Vol...Volde...You Know Who hidden Mrs Weasley’s left leg? We know that he left his diary with Mr Malfoy, and what is a very common adjective used to describe the Malfoy family? Cold.
Why are the Malfoys so cold? Because, hidden in that secret compartment under the floorboards of their drawing room (see Chamber of Secrets again), they must have a deep freeze. Why would they need a deep freeze? Clearly to keep Mrs Weasley’s stolen left leg fresh.
It was put to me last night that, if Mrs Weasley’s missing leg was indeed in that secret compartment under the floorboards, then why didn’t Mr Weasley find it when he raided the Malfoy mansion? The explanation is simple. Mr Weasley probably raided the Malfoy mansion at night, by which time Mrs Malfoy was already tucked up in bed and Mrs Weasley’s missing left leg was up in the bedroom, performing its secondary function of taking the creases out of Narcissa’s nylons. All Mr Weasley found downstairs was an empty freezer with a vaguely familiar smell which he couldn’t quite place.
It was also put to me last night that, given that Wormtail (boooo hissss) could be given a magical silver hand, why couldn’t Mrs Weasley have a silver leg? Was it because they were so poor as a family?
Well, that’s not the half of it. Not only has Mrs Weasley had to put up with a wooden leg but the poverty of the Weasley family is a direct result of her wooden leg. And it’s all thanks to the squibs.
To explain, we know that the unfortunate people who are born as squibs cannot fit properly into either the wizarding world or the Muggle world. So, how do they earn a living? Of course, there can be only one recourse for them, if you think about it logically, they are obliged to fall back on the French Polishing trade. Eventually, the squibs acquired a total monopoly of French Polishing in the wizarding world and were able to charge extortionate fees for their services. So, every time that Mrs Weasley’s wooden leg needed buffing up, the Weasleys were driven deeper and deeper into poverty.
Here endeth Part One of last night’s summary. Part Two to follow shortly.....
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Posted by Uncle_Phaester on Sep. 16 2005,1:10 am
Part Two....
So we have a situation where Vol...Volde...You Know Who has purloined (geddit? purLOINed) Mrs Weasley’s left leg and turned it into one of his horcruxes/horcruces by embedding within it a fragment of his soul.
Here is my prediction for the ending of Book Seven: the Order of the Phoenix one by one destroys Vol...Volde...You Know Who’s horcruxes/horcruces until the only one left is that embedded in Mrs Weasley’s missing leg. The Dark Lord arrives at the Malfoy mansion to recover his final soul fragment. He speaks the words of an ancient spell to the Malfoys: “Avugotta Cadaver?” – and they give the ritual reply: “Yes, it’s in the freezer, my Lord”.
Mr Malfoy fetches Mrs Weasley’s leg-horcrux and bungs it in the microwave to flash defrost it, thereby enabling Vol...Volde...You Know Who to retrieve his soul fragment. But here is where Vol...Volde...You Know Who comes unstuck. Because the only person who knows how to work the microwave in the Malfoy kitchen is Dobby the house-elf and we know that he left the Malfoys’ service ages ago.
So, The Dark Lord cannot get at his soul fragment and is vanquished forever. The moral of the story being: don’t be rude to your staff – you never know when you might need a leg defrosted.
The book ends with the final word that JKR has long predicted when our heroes carry Mrs Weasley’s recaptured leg back to The Burrow in Mr Weasley’s car.
Well, I think that’s all very neat and tidy. Uncle Phaester will be online after this programme to answer any questions which you might have.  | 
"Avugotta Cadaver" made me laugh harder than usual.
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